Life Is Like A Movie

by Elliot Mason

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A startling mixture of comedy, music, cabaret, vocal dexterity, no-song-the-same hilarity, ranging from swing, folk, rock-funk-blues, cheese, show tunes and pop, making the every day into the truly epic experience we all know it is. A one-man Muppet Show, the missing link between Kajagoogoo and Mel Blanc, what music would sound like if an orchestra was crammed into Chuck Jones’s head. Elliot Mason gives you permission once again to love all the music you thought you could never admit to enjoying.

Amazon review: 5 stars - I love this Album, my partner loves this Album and our children made us play it on loop whilst stuck in a traffic jam for five hours. Hilarious lyrics, wonderful voice and brilliant characterisation. Buy it you - won't regret it!

iTunes review: 5 stars - Masterpiece. Elliot is a master of his trade. Had this on repeat all weekend and has kept a constant smile on my face. Comedy and music blended to perfection.

iTunes review: 5 stars - A pleasure from start to finish, "Life is like a movie" showcases Elliot Mason's immense talent as a lyricist, musician, programmer and humorist. Often surreal, regularly silly and always entertaining, it offers a window into the mind of this unique entertainer. This comedy album is helped enormously by the wide range of musical styles Elliot effortlessly offers to the listener. If you have an eye (or an ear) for the unusual then this album is definitely for you.


released July 20, 2015

All songs written & performed by Elliot Mason
Recorded at Castlebar Studios, Ealing
Mastered by Nick at Fluid Mastering
Photography by Anna Thomson

This album is dedicated to the mainland and all the nice people I've met withon it.

Thanks to...

Mom & Dad, Nan & Grandfather, Justin Mason, David Goo, Anna Thomson, Mike Fordham, Vix Dimmock, Angie Jenkins, James Malach, Kirsty Allan, Toby Goodman, Pete Billington, Dorian Black, Garreth Hynes, Colin Blunstone, Mark Gebbet, Lena Mae, Jamie Lenman, Jo Donnelly, Jim Devereaux, La Reve, Jillian George-Lewis, Simon Drake, Jackie Le, The Folly Mixtures, Joe Black, Hannah Warman, Head, Mat Ricardo, Christian Lee, Sam Wills, The Measures, Andrew Nash, The Aeronaut, Rosalind Porter, Jon Udry, Madame Jojo's, Helen Colby, The Burlesque Show, Maud Young, Volupte, John Madden, The Beck Theatre, Andy Louder & everyone else I've met out there in gig land.

It took far too long to finish so you'd better enjoy the bloody thing.

Love, Elliot (Mason) x

Life Is Like A Movie (c) 2015 Masonic Boom Records

Live Reviews…

"From his delightfully off-beat sound check, it’s immediately clear he’s something a bit different. His musical brand of clever genre parody and surreal themes is the perfect fusion of Bill Bailey and Noel Fielding. Between his acrobatic eye movements, his songs about his “recent trip to the chip shop” and the hardships of having an eyeball knee, and his on-point pastiches of ballads and acoustic rock, he has the audience in stitches. It’s fantastically fresh and utterly hi-larious." Jay Hampshire. Hit the floor magazine

"Singer-songwriter Elliot Mason was an instant crowd-pleaser, armed with nothing but an acoustic guitar and the most bizarre compositions you’re likely to hear on comedy stages – much like his looks, Mason’s lyrics resemble a Wayne Coyne on amphetamines…There will always be room for a comic promising to punch babies in the neck for the love of a woman." - Erotic Review Magazine

"He's really silly and he's really talented" - Mat Ricardo

"This Guy's amazing" - The boy with tape on his face

Fun Elliot Mason Facts...

Elliot enjoys paying for things with the exact change and eating monster munch.
His hair has never once done what it was supposed to.
His car has started making a gurgling noise so he's turned his radio up a bit.
About every 3 hours someone tells him "you should write a song about that", and he can open a door at a push.



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Elliot Mason London, UK


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Track Name: What Did I Do With My Thing?
What did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn't I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it,
Underneath the doodar, right next to the wotsit?

Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
didn't I lend it to wossisname,
you know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?

Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?
The one that used to be over there,
Oh where'd I put me wossaname, me oobedy doo dar
it used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot

Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin nora
did I do with my grandma?
Track Name: Me Father Was A Peaceful Man
Me father was a peaceful man
He shot a priest and stabbed me nan
He drowned a rabbit in the bath and nailed his head above the hearth
Me father was a peaceful man

Me uncle was a lovely fellow
He'd punch you if you just said hello
He'd push our face into a cactus, if we moaned well then he'd whack us
Me uncle was a lovely fellow

Me sister was a super lassie
She rugby tackled Shirley Bassey
She threw a strop in KFC and drove me car into a tree
Me sister was a super lassie

Me mother was a gentle woman
She'd shoot you if she saw you comin'
She bit the head off all who met her, bitched about you in a letter
Me mother was a gentle woman
Track Name: Life Is Like A Movie
Life is like a movie it costs about £12
You sit there in the darkness and listen to the sounds
You buy a bag of popcorn and watch the flashing lights
You tut when someone's taking then walk out in the night
You get into your parked car and drive on up the road
You talk about the movie then drive further up the road
You park outside your building and walk inside the house
You make a cup of coffee and that is how life is like a movie
Well maybe not exactly like a movie

Life is like a building with automatic doors
You walk into a foyer and glide across the floor
You go and buy a ticket off the lady in the booth
Then someone else tears your ticket and shows you to a room
You stumble in the darkness and try to find a seat
There's something rather sticky underneath your feet
Then someone turns a screen on and you watch it with your eyes
And you go home when it's over and now I've started talking about the movies again
Even though I was supposed to be telling you about how life is like a building
Track Name: The Toothpaste Song
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah
Cos she's always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Oh won't you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube it makes it so much easier in the long run
And I try to tell her, oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby
Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube why do you do that baby no I think it's really rude

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she's always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
And I try to tell her, Lord knows I've tried to tell her
Why don't you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment and leave the forks for the fork compartment
I tell her, Lord knows I've tried to tell her
Why do you think they made a compartment that's teaspoon sized? It's so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

(Cra) You're driving me crazy (Crazy) Driving me crazy
(Crazy) Ooooooo (I'm crazy) You drive me crazy baby
(Cra) Oh you're so crazy (Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?
(You're crazy) You're so crazy crazy crazy (You're so crazy) yeah

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Because she's always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo
And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her
I've had enough baby that's the end we're through
I can't put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye
Track Name: The Song In The Middle
This is the song in the middle
It doesn't really do anything
Track Name: My Life Is A Constant Search For A Pair Of Jeans That Fit
My life is a constant search for a pair of jeans that fit
Ones that aren't too tight for me, and ones that aren't too big
I don't know where to buy them, and I don't know if I'll find them
Cos my life is a constant search for a pair of jeans that fit

I used to buy them from Woolworths but now that's no longer there
I'll have to wander round the streets in my underwear
I'm not a fan of chinos or any other kind
So please don't buy me a pair for christmas if you wouldn't mind

I don't like going in the changing room with 5 or 6 pairs of jeans
Cos the lady gives me dirty looks I think she's really mean
And after I have tried them on and none of the buggers fit
I have to come out and tell the lady no I don't want them no

Cos my life is a constant search for a pair of jeans that fit
I don't know what else to say about it I'm annoyed a little bit,
I really like my jeans but I haven't got that many
Cos my life is a constant search for a pair of jeans that fit
Track Name: If You Were My Girl
I’ve just seen this wonderful girl, She's lovelier than lovely can be
Her hair is like a beautiful carpet and her arse is a soggy peach
One day I will say hello and take her to a moonlit bay
and if she screamed and called for help well this is what I'd say…

I’d lick a stamp for you, I’d kiss a tramp for you
I’d build a ramp for you if you were my girl
I’d catch the flu for you, I’d fling some woo at you
Sing do do do to you if you were my girl
I'd rape a monkey in the zoo and pour some gravy in my shoes
just to see you crack your face once in a while
I’d do keep fit with you, I'd dig a pit for you
Roll on some grit for you if you were my girl
I'd rent a car from you, I'd eat some tar for you
I'd pee in a jar for you if you were my girl

I'd punch a baby in the neck, I'd even swear say ruddy heck
If you only would just kiss me on the knee
I'd make a pass at you, I'd blow some glass for you
I'd pull a kazoo out of my arse for you if you were my girl, if you were my girl

I'd nail a fishcake to my cheek and kick a penguin in the beak
if I thought that it would make you come to me
I’d run a mile for you, head-but a child for you
I'd lance your piles for you if you were my girl, if you were my girl
Track Name: A Tale Of Mystery Involving A Duck
I was trying to get into my car but I couldn't get into my car
So I didn't travel very far cos I couldn't get into my car
I put the key into the lock to unlock the lock which was locked
But when I tried to unlock the lock the key wouldn't unlock the locked lock

I tried to climb in through the bonnet by forcing the latch on the bonnet
But the latch wouldn't force on the bonnet so I ended up just closing the bonnet
I walked up to the passenger door and I hadn't locked the passenger door
So I opened up the passenger dooe I suppose I should have done that before

And it was then it occurred to me my family hadn't owned a car since 1963
And I'm only 6 months old and I'm a duck
Track Name: Cecil
Hello my name is cecil and I'm 72
I've 67 sisters and a step sister too
I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,
And it's oh so nice to see you and I'm pleased to meet you

I like to watch the programs like like countdown and embarrassing bodies
I like Superted and Inspector Morse and Springwatch with Bill Odie
I've got trouble with me sinuses and I can play the spoons
And I'm always nice and happy when I'm singing a tune

I sing songs at the pictures i sing songs on the bus
I sing songs with my eyes closed until I've had enough

Hello my name is Cecil and I'm 72
I've 67 sisters and a step sister too
I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,
And it's oh so nice to see you and I'm pleased to meet you
Track Name: The Legend Of Neil Norman Wilkinson
There was a gentleman who came from Birmingham
He lived inside a house and drove a yellow van
He had a pair of legs two elbows and a nose
And when he had a bath he took off all his clothes

Each morning as he woke he opened up his eyes
He got out of his bed using muscles in his thighs
He walked into the bathroom and brushed all of his teeth
He started with the top ones then did the ones underneath

His name was Neil Norman Wilkinson
And he wore a pair of trousers nearly all the time
He drank tea with a dash of milk in it
Could there ever be a more perfect Neil than he? Maybe

Each day he went to work and then he came back home
And then he went to work again and then he came back home
And then the next day he went to work again and then he came back home again
And then he did that for the next 2 days and then it was the weekend

He used his lungs to breathe in oxygen
And he used the toilet whenever the need arose
And at night he normally went to bed
And there ends the tail of Neil Norman Wilkinson
Track Name: Rainbow At Midnight
Have you ever seen a rainbow at midnight?
Have you ever seen a castle in the sky?
Have you ever seen a builder in a hurry? Nor have i
Have you ever played a tuba in the moonlight?
Have you ever seen a fat man swat a fly?
Have you ever seen your grandma eat a curry?
Nor have I

Have you ever met Noel Edmonds at a function?
Or have you ever caught a train from Clapham Junction?
Have you ever felt excited when your friend said that they're going to write a blog?
Have you ever had a good time at a wedding?
Or bought a table at a car boot sale in Reading?
Have you ever heard a song by Ronan Keating that didn't make you want to rip off your own ears and feed them to a dog?
Nor have I

Have you ever pushed a donkey up a chimney?
Or extracted all the sap out of a tree?
Have you ever formed an electronic dance act with a baguette?
Have you ever had an undelicious aero?
Have you ever squeezed a pigeon til he popped?
Have you ever watched the matrix revolutions or kindergarten cop?

Have you ever read a book by Jeffrey Archer?
Or know anything at all about Jean Paul Satre?
Have you ever lost a biro then remembered that you've got one back at home?
Have you ever thrown a mattress off a ferry?
Or had a Christmas that was best described as merry
Have you ever been able to work out how to install a firewall on your computer or even know why you need one or exactly what it does?
Nor have I

Have you ever had an epigastric hernia?
Have you ever played canasta with a nun?
Have you ever said "japan my trousers fish slice current bun"?
Have you ever seen an episode of Quincy?
Have you ever stared directly at the sun?
Have you ever glued your eyebrows to a bookcase just for fun?

Have you ever been to space?
Or slapped a panda in the face?
Have you ever cooked a marrow?
Or owned your own wheelbarrow?
Oh have you ever wondered why after we live we all must die?
Nor have I