The Day They Turned Jif To Cif

by Elliot Mason

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GET THE PHYSICAL CD WITH LOVELY PACKAGING FOR £7.99 INC P&P FROM OVER HERE... elliot-mason.co.uk/buy-my-cd/

The Day They Turned Jif to Cif is the official entry of Elliot Mason's brainwaves into the world. Never less than completely sympathetic to all his characters and their idiosyncrasies and worries, this takes a lighter and comic look at what really bothers the people of England: moths on tellies, soap dispenser troubles, franchise confusion, identity fraud, and of course, Milton Keynes. Oh, and there's a guy with an eyeball on his knee. In the words of Elliot Mason: "Buy my CD!".

credits

released April 29, 2010

All songs written and performed by Elliot Mason
Recorded at home in Ryde, Wellow, Arlesey, St Albans & Golders Green between 2007 & 2010
Mastered by Nick at Fluid Mastering
Album artwork design by Jamie Lenman


This album is dedicated to the early converts...

Mom & Dad, Nan & Grandfather, Justin Mason, David Goo, Ben Pitt, Jo Donnelly, Dusty Limits, Toby Goodman, Anna Thomson, The Variety Band, The Cross Kings Pub, Dave Barnes, Luke Meredith, Fingers Piano Bar, Edinburgh Festival 2010, Jonny Yeah, Kooba Radio, Carl Twobob, Jon Roffey, Tricity Vogue, The Cheltenham Underground, Funkify, Hannah Sharrock, Hannah Roberts, Scream Lounge - Croydon, Ben & Amy, Andrea Lewis, Miss Jo Williams, Efflux, Tom Bellhouse, The Stevie K Jam, The Fox & Firkin - Lewisham, Jenny Lockyer, Victor Lewis-Smith, Karen O Novak, The Borderline, HMS, Andy Sturmer, Nick Stephenson, Caroline Morris, James Boston, John Keates, Steven Bland, Spencer Komodromou, Vicky Flint, Dean Friedman, St Albans and Myspace.

The Day They Turned Jif To Cif (c) 2010 Masonic Boom Records
Reissue (c) 2015 Masonic Boom Records

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Elliot Mason London, UK

Singer/Songwriter/Nutjob

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Track Name: Introduction
This is my cd, my lovely cd, my lovely lovely cd, shibidabidabidyboo.
This is my cd, well I suppose technically it's yours, let's call it ours, shibidabidabidyboo.

My cd's got a lovely picture on the front. UH huh, what else?
It's got some music on the back and a hole in the middle. Wow!
And that's it.

This is my cd, my lovely cd, yes, and it's going to start right now
Thanks for listening.
Track Name: The Day They Turned Jif To Cif
When they changed Marathon to Snickers I nearly wet myself
And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst I feared for my mental health
When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay I threw my wife off a cliff
But nothing affected me quite the way the day they turned Jif to Cif

When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar I vomited into my socks
And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena I nailed myself into a box
When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale the shock turned my hair to a quiff
But nothing affected me quite the way the day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change? Why do things change?
Just leave ’em be, Won’t you just leave ‘em be, for me

When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania steam billowed out of my ears
And when Richard Whiteley became Des O'Conner it brought to life all of my fears
When they changed Immac to Veet I confess I let loose a tear and a sniff
But nothing affected me quite the way the day they turned Jif to Cif

When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark I stabbed myself with a fork
And when they changed Labour to New Labour I force fed a rabbi some pork
When East 17 became E17 I reached for my handkerchief
But nothing affected me quite in the way that the day they turned Jif to Cif, did

Why do things change? Why do things change?
Just leave ’em be, Won’t you just leave ‘em be, for me

Cos nothing affected me quite the way the day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change?
Track Name: Washing Up Liquid Residue
My wife cooked me up a lovely meal,
Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel,
I ate it up as quick as I could, cos I was really hungry,
And it tasted just like paradise.

After I’d finished my lovely meal,
I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal,
I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming,
Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair.

I washed the plates up and I, I cleaned the spoons,
I stacked the saucepans and I, I hummed a tune,
I poured the water out but it was too soon,
Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave,
I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up.

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge,
That I didn’t have to pour out any more.
Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge,
That I didn’t have to pour out any more.
Not any more.

After I’d put all the things away,
I said to myself let’s call it a day,
I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on and,
Then I slowly drifted off to sleep.

I dreamed of elephants and flying cars,
I dreamed of Africans and milkybars,
I dreamed of Catherine Zeta Jones in the bath,
But when I turned around and looked on top of Catherine’s head,
I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up.

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge,
That I didn’t have to pour out any more.
Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge,
That I didn’t have to pour out any more.
Not any more.
Track Name: Someone Else
I was waving to my friend who had just come round the bend
I was waving I was waving but he didn’t comprehend
So I shouted out his name and then I wished my life would end
Cos it wasn’t who I thought it was, It was someone else

I was talking to a lady who was due to have a baby
And I said your stomach’s bigger than a fairly large gorilla
But she looked a bit offended and she punched me in the face
Cos she wasn’t who I thought she was she was someone else.

I was in a deep discussion with a man who spoke in Russian
I couldn’t understand a bloody thing that he was saying
I think he was mistaking me for someone that he knew
Cos I wasn’t who he thought I was, I was someone else

I not you, You're not me, I am what, We are we
It is that, I am they, You is why, Who, Who are you?

I was on me holidays, I was catchin me some rays
I was listening to the ocean and I grabbed my suntan lotion
My lady rubbed it in but she had rough and manly skin
Cos it wasn’t who I thought it was it was someone else

I woke up in the night with my bladder feeling tight
I stumbled down the hall, I took a left and then a right
I started to relieve myself and then I found the light
But I wasn’t where I thought I was, I was somewhere else

I not you, You're not me, I am what, We are we
It is that, I am they, You is why, Who, Who are you?
Track Name: I Taped The Wrong Side
It was late in the evening
I was flicking through the TV guide
When I stumbled on a programme
A documentary 'bout venetian blinds

Well I programmed up my video and I went to bed
But when I woke up in the morning I done shook my head
Cos I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side

Well the very next day I bought a new machine
It had video plus written up the side
The man in the shop said it's as easy as pie
And that a baby could do it if it only tried

I tried to tape the Krypton Factor using all the numbers
But when I played it back it was a film about cucumbers
Cos I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side

Let me tell you about it right here and now people

I taped songs of praise when it should have been snooker
I got half of Rocky but only by fluke-a
I got episode 3 of 24 season 2
And I can't figure out just who is who
Cos I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side

Well I phoned up my son in law and asked for his advice
And he got in his car and came around (Just like that)
He unplugged all my A.V. leads and changed them to a scart
Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound (I don't know why)

He wrote out some instructions and said nothing could go wrong
So I sat down in my comfy chair and tried to watch King Kong
But I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Cos I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Cos I, ooo, I, I taped the wrong side
Track Name: Eyeball Knee
When I was young I knew that I was different
I had a giant eyeball on my knee
I could see around corners just by raising my leg, oh
And I could study everybody else’s knees if I wore my shorts

Every time I cry it looks as though I’ve spilled something down my trousers
Every time I knee a football well it really stings, it stings
It’s not easy to have an eyeball knee. No it ain’t easy to have an eyeball knee

When I have a swim I need some special goggles
And when I shave my legs I have to take it slow
Sometimes I Sellotape leaflets to the inside of my jeans
And I can read them when I’m talking to my Nan when she jabbers on

Every time somebody kneels, well, they don’t have to think about their eyeballs.
Every time I put my pants on, well, I have to blink, to blink
It’s not easy to have an eyeball knee. No it ain’t easy to have an eyeball knee

You think that it's easy to have an eyeball knee?
Well it ain't easy to have an eyeball knee
Track Name: The Day I Bought A Stamp
It was half past three
I was out of stamps
So I bought one
Track Name: Moth On Me Telly
There’s a moth on my telly and he won’t get off
I’ve tried opening a window and a-waving a cloth
He don’t take any notice and he won’t bugger off
Cos he don’t really care for me
He the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen

There’s a moth on my telly and he’s flying around
He’s ruining my program and he’s making a sound
If he went away then I might give him a pound
But he don’t really care for me
I wish he would die painfully

As soon as I put my telly on my old friend appears
He hovers around on people’s faces and makes them look like they’ve got Hitler moustaches
I’ve tried to distract him with a torch and lead him out of the door
But somehow he always finds his way back
What a bloody pain in the arse

There’s a moth on my telly that’s obscuring my view
I can’t tell if I’m watching Dallas or doctor who
And if he doesn’t move I’m gonna throw him my shoe
But he don’t really care for me
He’s ruining my life can’t you see?

As soon as I turn my telly off I can hear him flying round the room
I’m a bit worried that if I go to sleep he might fly into my mouth
But luckily I don’t emit any light so he’s not really attracted to me
But still there’s a chance he might accidentally fly in cos he’s gone a bit hyperactive

There’s a moth on my telly and it’s getting quite bad
One minute he stops and then he flutters like mad
I’m gonna get him off using a cup and a pad
But he don’t really care for me
But he’s not quite as bad as a bee, or a wasp, or a horse, or a shark, or a ghost
Track Name: Milton Keynes
I heard about a place not so far away
Where people live in peace and make love all the day
They’ve got all kinds of shops, the roads are built in blocks
There ain’t no doggy plops, you could walk round in your socks
Milton Keynes

Drive up the M1 and go past Toddington.
Turn off at Junction 14. you might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes

Milton Milton Milton Keynes
Milton Milton Milton Keynes

The locals all look pleased and never flick the V’s
They’ve got a big Sainsbury’s with twenty types of cheese

Milton Keynes
Track Name: Never Going Back Again
When I was only small my momma took me to a playschool and I played in the sand and I drove a little car and I had a lot of fun at the playschool.
Then one day I grew too old to play in the sand and to drive a little car so my momma took me home and I never went back to the playschool.

And I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back again.
No, I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back never never never never never.

When I was nearly eight my momma took me through a wooden gate to a big church hall where they did judo and she left me there for about an hour.
I didn't really enjoy it that much cos there was some bigger boys there who liked to punch so when my mom picked me up I told her I didn't really want to go to judo anymore.

And I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back again.
No, I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back never never never never never.

When I was about thirteen my momma took me on a caravan holiday. We drove to Cornwall, it took about four hours which wasn't too bad considering the amount of traffic.
After about three days in the caravan we'd had enough but we couldn't go home yet cos mom had booked it for two weeks and it rained the whole time and I forgot to take my Spectrum.

And I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back again.
No, I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back never never never never never.

When I was twenty six I really fancied going out for a drink so I phoned up my friends but they were all busy but I decided to go out anyway.
I went to a bar that I'd never been to before, ordered a drink and then I realised that I'd left my wallet at home so I snuck out the bar while the barmaid's back was turned

And I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back again.
No, I'm never going back again.
I'm never going back never never never nev
Oh no I'm never going back never never never never nev
You know I'm never going back never never never never never.

Playschool, never going back
Judo, never going back
Cornwall, never going back
Bar, never going back

I'm never going back again.
Track Name: My Ford Mondeo
I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks but I can’t find it.
I don’t know where I parked it. Oh.
I’m sure that I put it right over there. This just isn’t fair. What can I do? Ooo.
Is it here? Is it there? Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?
I really need it to get to work. Ooo.
It’s a Ford Mondeo.

He's been looking for his car for a couple of weeks but he can’t find it.
He don’t know where I parked it. Oh.
He's sure that he put it right over there. This just isn’t fair. What can he do? Ooo.
Is it here? Is it there? Is there someone who can tell him where his car is?
He really needs it

Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece and I checked inside the fridge but still no luck.
I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house but it was just a truck.
Is it here? Is it there? Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?
I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo. Oh there it is.